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Belinda Blumenthal
Belinda Blumenthal is the protagonist of Belinda Blinked. She is the International Sales Director of Steele's Pots and Pans and the founder of the Confidential Order of Cookware Knights. She oversees four Regional Sales Managers: Des Martin, Ken Dewsbury, Patrick O'Hamlin and Dave Wilcox and reports directly to Steele's Managing Director, Tony Sylvester. She is one third of the 'Glee Team', along with Bella Ridley, Maeve and formerly Giselle Sylvester. Belinda has an unwavering loyalty to Steele's Pots and Pans (though she despises the company's name, believing it to be "corny"). She devotes nearly all of her time and attention to the business and is constantly searching for new clients. She has unnatural durability and stamina, capable of going without sleep for days and entertaining multiple sexual partners within hours of one another. The first of Belinda's chief marketing tools is sex - the other being copious quantities of Chilean and Australian chardonnay, which she plies her customers with - and has been able to secure deals with several distributors over the course of the books through her supposed sexual prowess. Belinda blinks to emphasise her surprise at a given situation, giving the book its title. Appearance Rocky's description of Belinda fluctuates wildly. She is predominantly described as curvaceous - though this description sometimes changes to muscular - with enormous breasts (that her bras are barely able to contain) and buttocks. She has dark hair, tanned skin and "puffy lips". Jamie, James and Alice think of her as thick set and a great deal of the art submitted by fans reflects this. Most if not all of the characters in the book find her sexually attractive. Personality Belinda considers herself to be irresistible, frequently initiating sex as a way of getting what she wants and exposing herself in front of people as a sign of gratitude. Throughout the first book, Belinda is presented as a rather passive figure, frequently bending to the whims of her employers and sexual partners, however as the books progress, she has come to be more assertive. As she gains the acquaintance of foreign clients and members of the royal family, Belinda also becomes increasingly egotistical, believing that she is incredibly cultured, sophisticated and, at one point, that she is "above the law". Belinda's work and social life are almost indistinguishable, and she takes every opportunity she can to sell products and building her business. The only two interests she has outside of work are turkey sandwiches (which Jamie has noted are Rocky's favourite too) and Chilean chardonnay - changed to Australian chardonnay in later books. While she can be incredibly petty and single-minded, Belinda cares deeply about her friends and co-workers and attempts to include them in her activities as often as she can. Biography Background Belinda was born in Kent. She has spoken fondly of her relationship with her father, another sales director. She has never mentioned her mother. She describes her childhood as simple, going from a "small primary school" to a "slightly larger secondary school" and eventually attending a university in London. The university's name is never given, however Jamie imagines that it cannot be a very good one. She has kept several parrots as pets, the most recent of which is called Chichi. At some point before the events of Book One, she worked for Typhoid Crockery Holdings. Rocky has supplied Jamie with Belinda's CV to read on the podcast, however the vast majority of it simply reads 'N/A'. Season One Belinda is interviewed for the position of International Sales Director at Steele's Pots and Pans. The Managing Director, Tony Sylvester, asks her to remove her clothes, however Belinda is surprised that nobody makes any sexual advances towards her. She is eventually offered the job and accepts. Tony's personal assistant, Giselle Maarschalkerweerd de Klotz, enters the room and proceeds to have sex with her. A few weeks later, Belinda has another sexual encounter with Giselle in Tony's leather room before meeting Steele's main receptionist, Bella Ridley. They agree to see each other the following week. Belinda attends a company barbecue-cum-charity tombola in support of the Asses and Donkeys Trust at a country estate owned by Steele's chairman, Sir James Godwin. Tony leads her into the estate's maze and handcuffs her to a trellis and leaves her for several hours. She has sex with three distributors: Alphonse Stirbacker, Jim Stirling and Peter Rouse. Belinda is disappointed by Stirling's microscopic penis, however she has a deep connection with Rouse, who covers her hair in his semen and paints symbols on her skin mud as part of a ritual that he believes will bind her to him sexually for a year. They agree to meet later that evening. Belinda returns from the maze and rejoins the barbecue, where she is bid upon, along with Giselle and Bella, as part of the charity tombola. She eventually goes for £200 to The Duchess of Epsom. The Duchess hoses Belinda down and takes her away in a horse box to an undisclosed location. The Duchess, now dressed in full dressage regalia, whips Belinda with a riding crop and penetrates her with a black leather dildo before instructing Belinda to do the same to her. The Duchess is left incapacitated by the overwhelming pleasure. Belinda handcuffs The Duchess to the bed, steals her horse riding outfit and car, and drives back to her hotel, The Horse and Jockey, to meet with Rouse. Back at The Horse and Jockey, Belinda orders dinner and flirts with Sam, "the youngish man on reception", while she waits for Rouse. Rouse arrives and the two begin performing various sexual acts around the hotel, which also leaves Rouse exhausted. Upon waking up, he leaves to be with his wife, and Belinda enjoys a turkey sandwich followed by some more sex with Sam. At the break of dawn she returns to free The Duchess. She breaks down in tears and reveals that the tombola was rigged. They have sex once again before Belinda goes back to work. Season Two Belinda is rewarded for her efforts in the maze, which have resulted in deals with all three of the distributors. She is given two free passes to the Ritz Spa, which she shares with Giselle. She visits Amsterdam to seal the deal with Peter Rouse's company where she meets Peter's wife, Christina, posing as a reception. They become stuck in an elevator together giving Belinda a chance to rub her breasts on Christina's buttocks. Belinda is taken to meet Doctor Pyotr Robbins, who signs a series of forms with her, before removing her underwear with a set of surgical implements and inviting his elderly assistant Helga to perform sexual acts with Belinda for his amusement. She is promptly reunited with Peter and the two have sex in his apartment before spending an evening in Amsterdam. Belinda soon becomes drunk, and the two venture out to Casino Etoile, where they meet Grigor Calanski and his assistant, Lara. Peter encourages Belinda to entertain Grigor, while he talks to Lara. Belinda, attempting to set up a deal of her own with Grigor, obliges and Grigor leads her to the red light district where they meet The Countess Zara of Leningrad. Countess Zara, the madame of a brothel, orchestrates a threesome with Belinda and Grigor in a shop window, and Belinda is happy to learn that their display has attracted a record-breaking audience of 269. On her way back to London, Belinda meets a number of women from a direct retail door to door and coffee morning organisation, who invite Belinda to speak at their conference at the O2 (referred to by Rocky as "the Millennium Dome building"), and a co-pilot named Hazel. As the plane is touching down, Hazel begs Belinda to finger her. Back at the office, Belinda allows Des Martin to suck her breasts in order to stop him from quitting his position following his divorce. She then meets with Bella at the Pentra, where they are greeted by Sir James Godwin, who reveals Christina's relationship with Peter to Belinda and her true role in his company as a spy. The next day Belinda and Bella visit Forsters of Knightsbridge, Dressage Outfitters To Royalty, where Belinda spends £5000 on her own horse riding outfit and seduces the fitter, Adaam. Belinda and Bella then head to Texas to meet with Jim Stirling and close the deal which had apparently already been sealed in Book One. Throughout their stay in Texas, Belinda is convinced that they will need to do more work than Jim is letting on, however nothing comes of this. In her hotel, on the night of her arrival, Belinda meets with Jim, who has had surgery in the Amazon Rainforest to attach an enormous new penis. This marks the first "clithanger" in the Belinda Blinked series. Belinda and Jim have sex, only for Belinda to discover that Jim's "monster dick" is flaking skin and his semen has turned bright blue. She is apparently unfazed by this, however, and continues to have sex with him. Belinda is taken to a British football game and an Italian restaurant by Stirling's Chief Executive Hank Skank. Hank pours bolognese over Belinda and has sex with her. The following day, Belinda and Bella seal the deal with Stirling and are flown out to Jim's 'Lazy P Ranch' where they enjoy a barbecue and skinny dipping and have group sex with a number of ranch hands sent by Jim to entertain them. Returning to London, Belinda recommends that Tony promote Bella in light of her help in sealing the deal with Jim and Hank. This leads Tony to blink. Season Three Belinda gives her impromptu presentation at the O2, where she meets a sound man named Alfie - described by Rocky as "a smallish man dressed in black" - and gives away 20,000 non-stick tin woks (calculated by Alice to be over half a million pounds worth of cookware). She goes to meet The Duchess at the Ritz Spa and together they drive down to Epsom Hall. The Duchess shows Belinda her sex room and instructs her to insert a pair of love eggs into her vagina before dinner. She is then introduced to The Duchess' husband, Lord Duke Clarence, Chiara Montague, Tara Gold, Jim Walters and Norman Asquith. While she attempts to make small talk, The Duchess begins to switches the eggs on and increases their speed, causing Belinda to embarrass herself. Belinda attempts to sleep with The Duchess later in the evening, but she is turned down, much to the chagrin of Belinda, who was prevented from sleeping with anyone else. Belinda attends a show jumping event hosted nearby with The Duchess and meets Penelope Pollay. Following the event, The Duchess and Belinda drive back to Epsom Hall, where Belinda whips The Duchess repeatedly on the vagina until she sprays "golden liquid" in her face. It is not clear if "golden" is just a turn of phrase, whether The Duchess urinated or if she released what Alice describes as "pussy discharge". Belinda crashes her car on the way back from Epsom Hall, marking the second "clithanger" of the series. She is uninjured, however, and is ultimately rescued from the side of the road by Marco Auriguez, the Brazillian plastic surgeon who performed the penis enlargement operation on Jim Stirling. Marco takes Belinda back to his apartment to check that she is healthy and the two have sex. Belinda meets with Claus Bloch, the CEO of the direct retail door to door and coffee mornings organisation that invited Belinda to speak the the O2. Bloch and Belinda have lunch, where he performs bizarre tantric sex massages on her. Belinda visits Alphonse Stirbacker in Belgium. Following a morning of paper work, Alphonse takes her to a chocolate factory run by Madeleine Chocolat (sometimes referred to as 'Chocolate', presumably because Rocky's auto-correct kicked in). Madeleine invites Belinda to have sex in a pool of cointreau flavoured chocolate. Alphonse then takes Belinda to a library, where they participate in a sex carousel, swapping partners after three minutes. Here, Belinda meets an Italian International Director named Aldo Fellini, who insists that they rendezvous in Italy at some point in the future. Belinda flies directly from Belgium to Leeds in order to sort out an issue that Ken Dewsbury is having with a distributor named Andy Millstone. Belinda seduces him and he eventually relents on his dispute with Ken. In gratitude, Ken invites Belinda to use the shower in one of the student houses he owns. Belinda discovers that Ken has erected a crude CCTV system to record her showering. She decides to play along and lets him record their sexual encounter. With help from Hazel and Bella, Belinda organises a surprise hen party for Giselle, however it is unclear when she found the time to do this. Together, Giselle, Belinda, Bella and Hazel fly to the Torremolinos Strip, where they court a young virgin crudely dubbed 'Butch Cassidy the Sunburnt Kid' and later 'Butch the Sunburnt Kid' by Belinda. Butch eventually decides that he wants to lose his virginity to Belinda. Following a week-long hangover, Belinda visits two rag-and-bone men, the Schweinsteiger siblings Hans and Greta, with Des Martin. Belinda has sex with Greta and then accompanies Des Martin back to her apartment where they have sex, once on the steps outside her apartment and again on her water bed. Season Four Belinda sends worn knickers to her various work contacts as invitations for Giselle and Tony's wedding. An undisclosed amount of time later, she is sewn into her wedding dress by Chiara Montague, who has apparently spent the night with her. She coldly informs Chiara that she can't be her "21st Century date" and leaves her locked in her penthouse. She drives to the church where the wedding is being held, stopping to have a bizarre interaction with God when she forgets herself and blasphemes on "sacred ground". She complements her own appearance as she walks down the aisle, "feeling like Penelope Tree". During the ceremony she begins fingering Bella to keep her from creating a scene. She is apparently the only member of the congregation to spy a slight figure entering as the vicar officially begins the ceremony later revealed to be Tony's long lost brother, George, who was believed to be dead. During the reception she converses with Bella, the Countess Zara and Grigor Kolanski. She is about to use the bathroom when she encounters Jim Stirling, who tears her dress off and the two proceed to have violent sex with her. She throws a tablecloth on in place of her wedding dress and returns to the reception where she begins dancing with Helga and Dr. Robbins. Helga suddenly insists that Belinda accompany her to the toilet and the two have sex while Helga reveals that she is an FBI agent and that Steele's has a mole. Belinda is shocked but determined not to let the mole destroy her company. Belinda decides to reveal this information to The Duchess, who she agrees to meet at the Ritz. She has a brief reunion with Sam the youngish man, who has somehow become manager of the Ritz in the time between Books One and Four (estimated to be a period of no more than four weeks) however her plans are stymied when she discovers that The Duchess is accompanied by Lucia Lorenzo, a woman Belinda met during the "charity fuck session" in Belgium. Forgetting her worries, Belinda, Lucia and The Duchess decide to have a girl's night out at an underground tavern called Buckley's. The Duchess soon abandons Belinda and Lucia, leaving them to enjoy "Zachariah's Magic Wand" - a type of cigar called a "tamarack's flute" which produces a powerful high. Zachariah blows smoke into Belinda's vagina and Lucia's anus and Belinda eventually splays her vagina over Lucia's anus - literally blowing smoke up her arse as James notes. Lucia, Belinda and Zachariah proceed to "fuck till the cows come home". With the help of Des Martin - who apparently moonlights as a cab driver - Belinda, Lucia and The Duchess return to their hotel and Belinda spends the rest of the evening enjoying turkey sandwiches and sex with Sam the youngish manager. Returning to work the next morning, Belinda meets with Tony and Sir James. She reveals that an unknown party wishes to steal the tri-oxy brillo range blueprints. The three deduce that Bisch-Herstellung is the party responsible for this attempt (however Rocky's description of their deduction is incredibly convoluted and nonsensical and it is unclear how they came to this conclusion) and Sir James organises a rendezvous for Belinda with ally spy James "Spoons" Spooner to help them uncover the mole. Belinda visits Penelope Pollay in Paris, making sure to grow out her pubic hair in what she assumes is the French fashion, and following a day of paperwork, the two visit the Moulin Marron (which Penelope assures Belinda is vastly superior to the Moulin Rouge). There, Belinda meets Mistress Sweetjuice a "world eminent feeder", who instructs Belinda to lick her clean of a thin layer of whipped cream she is covered in. Belinda obliges and promptly performs cunnilingus on her. Belinda returns to the UK and rendezvous with Helga, disguised as an even older woman, in a church in Scotland near Steele's factory. They are pursued by Spooner, who believes that Belinda is the mole. They return to Helga's hotel, where Belinda, Helga and Spooner, who eventually joins them, engage in a threesome. Helga is able to clear Belinda of suspicion and the three head to the factory. At the factory, Slintz reveals the tri-oxy brillo range (a saucepan which is instantly able to boil water), and out of gratitude for his services, Belinda and the rest of the Glee Team initiate a factory-wide orgy. The following morning, Belinda and Spooner are too late to stop Giselle, revealed to be "The Special One", from abducting Slintz and taking him back to East Germany. Instead of chasing after her, Belinda stays in the factory and fellates Spooner. Returning once again to Steele's office, Belinda founds the Confidential Order of Cookware Knights, a group of coworkers and acquaintances Belinda trusts, retaliation to the kidnapping of Slintz. As the C.O.C.Ks depart, however, a car bomb is detonated by a mysterious figure, later revealed to be George. Belinda is knocked unconscious by the blast. Season Five Belinda apparently dies and ascends to heaven following the detonation of the car bomb, however she is soon pulled back down to Earth and awakens to find the car park in chaos. She tends to Des Martin and uses her bra to bandage his head. As the members of C.O.C.K gather their bearings, Spooner and Belinda realise that Bella is seriously wounded and unresponsive. They rush her to hospital where she falls into a brief coma. Straddling Bella's hospital bed, Belinda rallies the members of C.O.C.K and informs them of a safe house she has set up with the help of "the anciently Housemaster of the Keys" Monty, a former Steele's employee. The members of C.O.C.K are soon ordered to leave by Bella's doctor Veronica Stud, who begins orders Belinda to perform oral sex on her as part of a sexual therapy session. This act awakens Bella from her coma, and an overjoyed Belinda proceeds to go down on her too. Bella is so overwhelmed by Belinda that she copiously squirts on Belinda's face and in her mouth. Belinda arrives at the safe house, where Tony and Maeve, Steele's new receptionist, are having sex. Belinda reveals that her and Tony are promoting her to Key Account Manager Russian Interests to replace Giselle. Tony has penetrative sex with Maeve and tongues Belinda's anus. Belinda leaves Tony and Maeve to enjoy themselves while she goes to the kitchen to enjoy a turkey sandwich. Christmas Episodes It is not clear whether the Christmas episodes are canonical with the rest of the series. Jamie has explained that they are discarded chapters from Belinda Blinked. Rocky also makes frequent references to "the timeline" which he claims to have been mapping and following religiously since the very first book, implying that these are not part of the 'story' he is trying to tell. However given the erratic nature of the writing and the numerous plot holes, it is entirely possible that these are supposed to take place within this timeline. Christmas Porno 2016 Belinda hosts a Christmas party at Steele's headquarters. She microwaves everyone a mug of mulled wine and invites the Hunts Girls to entertain the regional sales managers. They dance to disco music and engage in acts of debauchery. Christmas Porno 2017 Belinda visits The Duchess at her mansion in the French Alps. They spend a night of passion together and go skiing with Chiara Montague. They are caught in an avalanche and are forced into a small cabin where they have sex to keep warm. Christmas Porno 2018 Belinda receives a Christmas present of breast-shaped glass bowl from The Duchess. Suddenly realising that she didn't get her anything, Belinda rushes to Harold's of London and procures a limited edition dildo called 'The Yule Log Lover'. She returns to Steele's headquarters and has sex with Des Martin, who has dressed as Santa Claus for the company grotto. Category:Characters